What makes life worth living?
Happiness right? As dedicated thrill-seekers, my girlfriend and I can list a large number of situations and experiences that will conjure the necessary emotions to unlock absolute pleasure and excitement. We’ve gone fishing for killer whales, bungee jumping into an active volcano, deep-sea skinny dipping in the Bermuda triangle, prepared and ate our own fugu dish, snowboarding on a glacier, driving golf balls onto an old landmine field… we’ve even had sex on top of the sphinx in Egypt.
Before we met, Kaitlin and I used to seek thrills on our own. I was hiking through the Andes one day to see if I could find a wild bear and dance with it. While scaling a cliff I pulled myself up to find a beautiful woman riding a wild mountain lion in the sunset. The mountain lion was hardly amused and was going berserk trying to get rid of her but I knew this woman was the one for me and it was destiny that I spend the rest of my adrenalin fueled life with her.
Today Kaitlin and I will be attempting what is said to be the closet possible way to achieve true bliss… swimming into the tentacles of a giant South Atlantic Jellyfish.
This particular species of jellyfish is said to grow as large as an elephant and only dwells offshore from the south coast of South America. Despite its amazing size, the true wonder of the jellyfish actually lies with the tips of its tentacles and their effect on the human body once contact is made. These particular tentacles apparently send shocks through your entire body causing every single nerve ending to produce an orgasm like sensation before semi-paralysing you into pure relaxation. Once your body is numbed the tentacles then shoot toxins and chemicals into your blood stream that give you the most intense euphoric and blissful experience the human mind is capable of handling.
In short; swimming into this jelly fish was going to be better than sex and heroin times 1000.
“I’m going in babe” smiled Kaitlin as she fixes her scuba mask and falls backwards off the boat. As I prepare for my own decent into the Southern Atlantic Ocean I can’t help but wonder… Will this be the most amazing thing I’ll ever experience in my life? The closest I think I’ve ever felt to absolute bliss was getting high as fuck at the 311 festival when they closed with “You Wouldn’t Believe”… FUCK I love that band!
Once I’m underwater I quickly catch up with Kaitlin who is already in search for this giant gelatinous creature. It doesn’t take us long to spot one of the beasts, I mean they are the size of a fucking elephant right? Kaitlin grabs my hand tightly as we both swim into the forest of pulsating tentacles.
The incredible feeling overwhelms my body instantly; it’s like all five of my senses are being satisfied simultaneously to their full potential, it’s like my soul is floating through the universe at Lightspeed but in a calmed meditative state, it’s like I’m cumming from every single pore in my body. While engaged in this oscillation of euphoria the 311 tune “Champagne” plays through my head… “Just verses, she curses as blood vessels burst in defiance…”
Suddenly I snap out of my trance as the tentacles loosen the grip of my body. I immediately glance over to Kaitlin in a groggy state… Her entire body is twitching and shooting blood from multiple holes in her scuba suit. I quickly grab her hand and try to shake it but notice there is also blood leaking from her finger tips. I search for signs of life in her eyes but her Scooba mask is too full of blood to see anything. My next observation notes there is also no bubbles omitting from her snorkel… only red liquid. I try to scream to her but I can’t seem to open my mouth… in fact it doesn’t even feel like I’m breathing myself.
I realise the only way to escape this horrific nightmare is to once again surrender myself to the jellyfish’s tentacles and join the love of my life in a horribly blissful death. Once the amazing sensation rushes over my body for a second time I forget all about the horror I just witnessed and smile happily as “Down” by 311 plays through my mind. Red water slowly fills my own Scooba mask as I sing the tune in my head…
“Keep my feet on the ground, keep my head in the clouds, Electrified by the sound, comes from the down and…”
Ominous Cesspool 